Original Post: February 21st 2006

Did you just push me down the stairs?

This is a question I find myself asking nearly three times a day.

When did it become necessary to ask such an absurd question? Since March 9th, 2002, that’s when.

Did we forget so soon? A mistakenly released document that found it’s way in to every world news agency’s hands. It probably hasn’t slipped your mind. You probably just missed it. After all, we all sacrificed after 9/11. I personally skipped reading the news every day. Instead, focusing on obtaining a bigger, more visible flag than my neighbor.

Turns out, the US Government decided it would be a good time to refine the list of countries it would be willing to attack with nuclear weapons if opportunity knocked. Strike that, WHEN opportunity knocks. Somehow, must have been terrorism, this list of 7 countries started scrolling across the bottom of all American news channels. Of course, a story of this size would not deserve actual voice mention. However, it was worth putting next to sports scores. Luckily, most of this audience was smart enough to go online and research this further, to find out that of those 7 countries on the list, a few happen to be United States allies not enemies.

I guess, since nothing has happened yet, everything will work out. We should all just keep telling ourselves that.

Remember the 22nd amendment? It was pretty great huh? See it in 6 years.. (February 17th, 2005)

Seriously, they should put guns in our mouths, at least that would give us reason to be playing this dumb.

It appears as if I have lost my direction. Though, I am fairly certain that there was no direction when this story book started. Today we will direct all attempts at normality in the direction of increased cell phone usage by Americans in response to the rising fuel costs.

We will start this with an earth shattering series of nouns and adjectives mixed with a collection of verbs and punctuation.

It is apparent to most that cell phones are the only solution to this fuel crisis. While we can not afford to heat our homes, we can still talk for 2000 minutes every month while still paying one monthly fee. Trouble at the pumps? Did you know that call waiting, caller id, and voice mail is standard with almost every cell phone carrier in almost every package?

Cell phones! What can’t they do?

Original Post: February 20th 2006

There was a point where I lived just three miles from an airport. This was a few months after 9/11 and the color coded daily terror alert level was consistently reminding me exactly how few minutes I had before certain death(it was usually seven). It was at this point that I declared my property line a No Fly Zone. While other Americans let their houses act as sitting ducks for an air attack, I prevented my house from being a target.

Surprisingly, I had not one breach during the entire 2 year No Fly Zone policy I had placed upon my property line. I will admit, there were some close calls. For instance, there was this one time where I was crossing the street to collect my mail, and wouldn’t you know it, a jet made a dash for my No Fly Zone. I ran to my battle station and fired some warning flares. Later, the pilot came to my house and apologized by sticking a gun in my mouth and telling me how tough I was at that very moment.

Everyone wins when we’re all scared for our lives

Original Post: February 18, 2006

Let me just put it in a manner you can understand:

If desk size means everything, and it does, I am better than all of you.

Seriously, my desk is 265 lbs. of the finest trees. It is not only in the shape of an L but I also detect trace elements of an a, h, o, and quite a few numbers.

Correct me if I am wrong, but am I not the greatest business man in the universe? It is all desk related. All of it.

Original Post: February 18th 2006

Back in my second year of playing professional baseball at the major league level, a fan was taunting me. I threw a baseball at his chest. Reasonable reaction? Yes.

Who am I?

Alright, it was me, and it wasn’t a fan it was my aunt. It wasn’t professional baseball, it was little league. Instead of her chest it was her face. Oh, and it might not have been a baseball, but instead a small child. No, it was definitely a baseball.

Did you ever go through a phase in your life where you spent most of your day trying to find a reason to use more math? This is the current phase I have found myself in. I imagine that it is based on this lack of education I am experiencing and a desire to keep my brain functioning. However, I have determined that it would be a more interesting self-diagnosis to assume that this is merely caused by lack of letters in my life and a need to fill that void.

There was going to be more to this but I have sincerely lost interest in writing about anything relevant to nothing. Tomorrow it is all about cookies and ice cream and phantom of the operas. Yeah I used an s. Was it by mistake? Perhaps

Original Post: February 17th 2006

By fear that this blog thing is being taken too seriously, I will announce my retirement from the blog scene, at some point.

For now, I believe it is time for me to tell you a story of how today went. Today went great, I was called upon to do a task I did not want to do. I did it. I had enough time to do some other things I had been putting off. So, I did them too. At some point in the day, an elderly woman with a fake british accent shouted out “Ladies!” Apparently, this is how you would go about getting a males attention in the “old days” in fake england.

Being an expert in mental handicap, I came running to her aid. She slurred out a pre-stroke rant about a blue robe.

Her best friend Linda, we call her that, told me that my shirt looked nice while utilizing a slightly southern accent.

I solved the great blue robe mystery while ending the flirtatious comments of Linda, we still call her that, with a quick “I know!”

In a perfect blindfolded stab at a british accent, Linda uttered the words “Such a lovely lady.” to her friend, fake brit.

While the accents left me wondering, the commas kept me coming back.

Original Post: February 15th 2006

I bet if the world was ending we probably would notice, but pretend we didn’t.

By the way, it is.

Original Post: February 12th 2006