Archive for October, 2011

So let there be Facebook. or not.

So let’s pretend that for a minute or forever that Facebook did not control you. But now let’s pretend that it does, because it is. Let’s for a moment pretend that we did not need the warm glow of that LCD screen happily updating you, but you do. Don’t you?

How do we get lost in the endless flood of information while at the same time fail to really know anything? It’s happening! The end will not be fire and brimstone, it will be our own ego’s that will end us. Our own thirst for approval and acceptance only feeds an inner greed. Take that away and we will starve.

Excuse me, this is a No Fly Zone

There was a point where I lived just three miles from an airport. This was a few months after 9/11 and the color coded daily terror alert level was consistently reminding me exactly how few minutes I had before certain death(it was usually seven). It was at this point that I declared my property line a No Fly Zone. While other Americans let their houses act as sitting ducks for an air attack, I prevented my house from being a target.

Surprisingly, I had not one breach during the entire 2 year No Fly Zone policy I had placed upon my property line. I will admit, there were some close calls. For instance, there was this one time where I was crossing the street to collect my mail, and wouldn’t you know it, a jet made a dash for my No Fly Zone. I ran to my battle station and fired some warning flares. Later, the pilot came to my house and apologized by sticking a gun in my mouth and telling me how tough I was at that very moment.

Everyone wins when we’re all scared for our lives

Original Post: February 18, 2006

a…h…o

Let me just put it in a manner you can understand:

If desk size means everything, and it does, I am better than all of you.

Seriously, my desk is 265 lbs. of the finest trees. It is not only in the shape of an L but I also detect trace elements of an a, h, o, and quite a few numbers.

Correct me if I am wrong, but am I not the greatest business man in the universe? It is all desk related. All of it.

Original Post: February 18th 2006

 

Politics bad. Cookies good.

OK… New Law! Politicians can no longer be greedy, dishonest, self absorbed, crooks only out to line their own pockets! My new law is now in effect and you are all out of work. Your service to this country has become a disservice. I take no side on democrat or republican as I have never been convinced that any one person had or has a bigger picture in mind outside their own limited selfish vision. And, you fuckers paying off these losers. Karma is absolutely amazing.

With the new openings we be holding auditions and bake sale, because cookies are awesome!




5-4-3-2-1

Back in my second year of playing professional baseball at the major league level, a fan was taunting me. I threw a baseball at his chest. Reasonable reaction? Yes.

Who am I?

Alright, it was me, and it wasn’t a fan it was my aunt. It wasn’t professional baseball, it was little league. Instead of her chest it was her face. Oh, and it might not have been a baseball, but instead a small child. No, it was definitely a baseball.

Did you ever go through a phase in your life where you spent most of your day trying to find a reason to use more math? This is the current phase I have found myself in. I imagine that it is based on this lack of education I am experiencing and a desire to keep my brain functioning. However, I have determined that it would be a more interesting self-diagnosis to assume that this is merely caused by lack of letters in my life and a need to fill that void.

There was going to be more to this but I have sincerely lost interest in writing about anything relevant to nothing. Tomorrow it is all about cookies and ice cream and phantom of the operas. Yeah I used an s. Was it by mistake? Perhaps

Original Post: February 17th 2006

Zombies (part 1)

WARNING!

It has been brought to my attention that the Zombies are loose! I had them all caged up in my back yard but it turns out that they can dig… Who knew? In any case I recommend that everyone bring me their money. I know that might not seem to help you but rest assured that I will feel better and that should count for something.

I will be starting a Zombie task force to help combat the threat. Douche Bags please apply! Your lack in brain power will offer you a cretin level or stealth from their ravenous hunger.

Stay tuned for further developments!

Just shut Up!

OK there is a new rule! If you’re an idiot then you need to shut the fuck up. Stop making excuses for your own lack of common sense and just do as I say.

Now that I have your attention I will require you to pass the word on. The world is overflowing with self absorbed morons and jack asses that don’t care or are plane clueless.

I am not interested in hearing about how great you are because I’m better. Or what you have done because I’m sure it’s not that wonderful.

So, wake up! That how great you think you are dream is over!

Think about…

Is Santa so jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live?

A +

By fear that this blog thing is being taken too seriously, I will announce my retirement from the blog scene, at some point.

For now, I believe it is time for me to tell you a story of how today went. Today went great, I was called upon to do a task I did not want to do. I did it. I had enough time to do some other things I had been putting off. So, I did them too. At some point in the day, an elderly woman with a fake british accent shouted out “Ladies!” Apparently, this is how you would go about getting a males attention in the “old days” in fake england.

Being an expert in mental handicap, I came running to her aid. She slurred out a pre-stroke rant about a blue robe.

Her best friend Linda, we call her that, told me that my shirt looked nice while utilizing a slightly southern accent.

I solved the great blue robe mystery while ending the flirtatious comments of Linda, we still call her that, with a quick “I know!”

In a perfect blindfolded stab at a british accent, Linda uttered the words “Such a lovely lady.” to her friend, fake brit.

While the accents left me wondering, the commas kept me coming back.

Original Post: February 15th 2006

double or nothing

I bet if the world was ending we probably would notice, but pretend we didn’t.

By the way, it is.

Original Post: February 12th 2006